Hit The Nail On The Head

Sexy Stud and I had a really long talk yesterday, and he hit the nail on the head about the root cause of what causes my breakdowns all the time.

I feel like I'm always in the shadows of all my family and friends.

I have sat by for the last 13.5 years and watched Sexy Studs career take off and become something really amazing. I've stayed home ( even before he became self employed) and taken care of the kids, while he went to fancy dinners and traveled around the world and back again. Sure I have shared in some of it with him, but for the most part I've just watched it all happen.

I've watched him turn into a rock star after he built The Beast. He's brought home trophy after trophy and during each show I'm pushed aside because I'm only the wife of the builder and not all that important.

I've watched my children grow up and go off to parties and dances , something I never did in my own teenage years. While they head off and have fun, I stay behind and pick up all the messes they left.

I watch the people I know and love go off have fun while I just sit in the shadows of it all. Forever on the outside looking in wondering when it will be my turn to step out of the shadows and shine ?When will I have something to be proud of ?

While I watch and wonder, I become jealous and angry at all of their joys, happiness, and accomplishments. Then overtime I explode and breakdown. I am forever the fan and never the star. While I know that without the fans there would be no stars, I long to be the star if only for a moment in time. I long to have something of my own to be proud of.