Done Mending Fences

>> Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Ever since Daughter K started her teenage years, we have always butted heads. In the beginning years I always brushed it off as her being immature, and as she grew older and more mature things would change for the better. But as she grew older the problems only got worse. While I won't post about things she has done, to protect her, I will say that many things she has done would cause any mom great heartache.

The last straw happened when Barry & I went out to see Jay Leno the last time he was home. He had enough and made her put in her two weeks notice at work, and told her she was coming down with him this summer the next time he came home. The thought being that maybe he can get through to her if she was away from all her friends and their influences they have over her.

I wanted to make one more effort to mend fences between us, before she leaves this coming weekend. I sat down with her and tried to explain to her how I felt, using words that I felt her 17 year old mind would understand. I had my say and when I was done she said to me that she wants nothing to do with mending fences. With those words I walked away and said I was done.

I called Barry up and told him what just happened and told him I can't do this anymore. That as much as this hurts me as a human I have to let her go, I have to stop trying to get through to her, I have to just let her go. That I will no longer fix her problems at school when she's in trouble. I will no longer fix her problems out of school when she's in trouble. All of these will now be his problems to handle. That for my mental and physical well being I have to let her go.

When I was done I came inside and told her what I told her Dad. I ended it with saying that one day I hope she gets it, I hope that she understands that I love her with all of my heart even though she did not come from my body.... she IS MY CHILD. That I hope she figures it out before it's to late to mend this broken fence we have between us.

After that I sat down and wrote Barry an email, he needed to know everything I have been dealing with for the past 4 years. Many of the things I told him he knew about, many he knew only parts of, and many he knew nothing at all. He needed to know these things, he needed to know what he was getting himself into once she was down there. He needed to open his eyes and see the real her and not this "fake" person she pretends to be when he's around. He needed to know that the problems we have with her are not new, they go back years.

He replied saying that he felt like he was sucker punched in the gut. That he felt physically ill reading the things she had done and didn't even know about. He felt he deserved it for turning a blind eye to it all. He now knew why I was so stressed out over her all the time and wondered how I kept all of this in all these years.

I told him I hope that he's able to get through to her. That I haven't given up on her, but that she needs to think I have.

I went to bed that night thinking I wouldn't sleep. That guilt and worry would take over. That I would chew on what happened that day until the wee hours of the morning. But I didn't I slept. I slept like I haven't slept in months probably years. I woke up the next morning feeling lighter, like the weight of the world had some how been lifted off of me. I knew then that I had done the right thing.

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